5 Steps to Find a Man...

Recently conversing with a coworker, I was asked, "Where can I go to find a decent man?"  Unaware if this was a joke, rhetorical, or honest question, I replied, "You first have to open your eyes."  Needless to say, my coworker was not impressed by my sarcastic answer.  I apologized, but then went on to inquire why she felt the need to find a decent man?  "I don't run into any decent men." Blah blah blah.  "There really aren't any good men."  Blah blah blah.  "Most of the good men are taken."  Blah blah blah.  In less than one minute, I heard the same excuses from many women in referring to the dating pool.  The unanswered question still remains, "Why do YOU feel the need to FIND a "decent" man?

(Take note to understand the emphasis placed on the words YOU, FIND, and "decent.")

Being careful not to put her back on the defense, I offered a couple more questions.  Let's say there is a mythical place where all the single and eligible (according to your own standards) bachelors go to hang out.  Once you arrive at said location, "What attributes do you have that will spark interest in these bachelors?  After all, they need a reason to want to pursue you!  Before she could answer, I asked some more questions.  "What are your relationship goals?"  "What are your professional goals?"  "Do you know what are your strengths and weaknesses?"  Judging by her change in posture and forehead wrinkles created by her menacing eyebrows and squinting eyes; I ended my barrage of questions aimed at her unintentionally incorrect target.

"You make it sound like I have nothing to bring to the table."  "Everyone has something to bring to the table." I replied.  "Are you bringing leftovers to the table, or are you presenting a top chef platted meal?"  We know the key to a man's heart is his stomach.  I jest, but there is truth in every analogy-ridden joke.

The conversation didn't go to much further.  My coworker was taken back by the idea that she was not "good enough" in all her present glory.  Due to the fact that my coworker much rather work harder than smarter in her personal life, she missed out on the five ways she can "find" a "decent" man.

1.  Stop trying to "find" a "decent" man.  You may ask, well how then will I find one.  You don't!  You should allow yourself to be found!  In a broad sense, there is an inherent nature for men to find, discover, and want.  Your longing to fulfill the need for love, have what other's have, or simply have what you don't currently have has created a desire to unconventionally go get what should get you!  Instead of doing what you should be doing, which is weeding out those not compatible with you, you are searching for a "decent" man.  Do you know what a "decent" man is?  It's not the man you read about in fiction literature.  A "decent" man is not one you watch in a romantic movie.  A "decent" man is the average man walking around.  What you think to be decent is in fact a myth.  Why else would there be so many changes that occurs after the Honeymoon phase of a relationship is over?  The person who put the best foot forward to wine, dine, and win your affection the way you want, has now gone back to their true self.  You are the catch!  Allow yourself to be caught by the right man!  I'm not saying to walk around with your nose up and expecting to have your dates rent a restaurant and cook dinner for just the two of you.  Know your worth and know a decent man will treat you accordingly!  If you start a relationship by taking on the roll of the man, don't be upset when he never initiates the advancement of the relationship.  After all, you sought him out!  You chose him!  You went to "find" a "decent" man!

2.  Improve yourself for yourself.  May it be mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally; we all have something we can improve.  I'm not saying to obsessively try to be the perfect physical specimen shy of being created in a laboratory, or injected on a doctor's operating table.  I am talking about realistically improving areas you always wanted to improve.  You always wanted to learn a new language.  Learn a new language!  You always wanted to drop 15 pounds.  Change your eating habits and work out!  You always wanted to strengthen your relationship with God.  Start by praying!  You always wanted to leave your past relationships in the past, and bring zero luggage with you into a new relationship.  Understand what went wrong in your previous relationships!  Figure out how you contributed to the relationship failing!  Figure out how to grow from your experiences!  There is something to be said about confidence.  When you look good; you feel good!  When you set and achieved goals; you feel good!  When you receive substantiated compliments; you feel good!  When you feel good; your confidence is high.  When your confidence is high; you command attention!

3.  Know who you are and be able to intrigue someone with your passion.  We all met that type of person who is so passionate in what they like or do that it intrigues us to want to know more.  Passion sells!  You don't believe me?  Turn on an infomercial!  Pay close attention to what is commanding your attention.  No doubt, those people are paid professionals, but the energy and animation they exhibit is what creates the need and want to know more about the displayed product.  I know I said passion sells, and the professionals are giving your energy, but the two goes hand in hand.  When you are passionate about something, your demeanor, voice, stance, and personality wakens up.  A burst of energy occurs when we talk about a passionate topic!  When you draw someone in, you take hostage of their attention.  

4.  Set realistic relationship goals and commit to what it will take to accomplish them.  Needless to say, before you can set realistic relationship goals, you need to understand dating, courting, and marriage.  Your understanding for each of the relationship phases will determine how smoothly you transition from one to the other and whether you transition at all.  Just like any other goal, setting and committing in order to accomplish it needs great focus.  If your relationship goal is to be married; then you must date in order to find similar compatible interests, allow yourself to be courted in order to know whether the person you dated deserves your hand, and ensure you are not compromising your goal.

5.  Learn from your mistakes and incompatible men.  Learn from your previous relationships to avoid dating the same men who are not compatible.  When you fail to realize who you are not compatible with, you will consistently date the same type, which will consistently end the same way.  Learn from the previous mistakes made in your previous relationships to avoid making them again.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Growth!  Life is about growth!  If you fail to grow, you will always fail to improve on yourself, be found, intrigue someone to want to get to know you, continue to hold their attention, and learn from your mistakes and incompatible men you've dated!

The Arch1tekt™

What Is the Foundation for Your Life's Journey?

 As a Freshman, I attended St. Aloysius High School in Jersey City, NJ.  Almost every class period, in which I had the subject Religion, I heard the quote, "Life is a Journey."  I never once thought what it meant.  As a thirteen year old entering high school, I was oblivious to a lot of things, including the many life lessons playing out in front of my immature eyes.  My teacher, a short Asian woman, gave everyone extra credit every Monday if we wrote down what we learned from Sunday Mass.  I was not raised Catholic, but attended a non-denomination Bible-based church my entire life.  Needless to say, I took advantage of everything I was taught from the private Christian elementary school I attended and children's church services.

Elated at my weekly Sunday Mass breakdown, my Religion teacher would teach all the essentials of Catholicism.  I may not remember what she taught, but for some reason, her Life is a Journey quote is the only thing that stands out.  I believe the reason the quote stands out so much as an adult because it reinforce the wise words my mother always said to my younger, always having the answer and last word self.

"Just keep on living." is what my Mom used to say.  Never with an explanation, I was just told those words, and that marked the end to any conversation, of course with a final rebuttal from yours truly.

So simple, yet so thought provoking are each of the two quotes.  They both hint at the constant evolving state of being.  If you live long enough, you may get a chance to see the journey that brought you from immaturity and countless ignorant ways.  As we constantly evolve into much wiser selves, how then do we morally stay grounded when we reach new legal age milestones?  If our rationale and thinking constantly change due to life's journey, how do we ensure we remain true to our beliefs?

The answer lies in what you believe.  The belief I'm referring to is unequivocal in nature.  If you question what you believe, search for the answers until you are certain.  When we believe something, but fail to internalize and live by our beliefs, we tend to waiver and backslide.  This means we need to strengthen the foundation of our beliefs so we may be able to firmly walk throughout life's journey, and look back on our growth.

What is the foundation for your life's journey?  What principles guide your actions and thoughts?  Lastly.  How well does your journey reflect your beliefs?

The ones that hurt you the most...

It’s been said, “The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most.” and “The people who really care won’t hurt you.”  Which one is true?  Which one is false?  Which one makes so much sense that we questioned whether those people loved us at all?

We've all been hurt time and time again by people we love, admire, and respect.  That type of hurt stings worse than the first time you learned not to eat ketchup on your food after peeling that dry sliver of skin on your lips.  Despite getting over it, that’s the type of hurt that we never get forget.  Our opinions for those who we love, admire, and respect are directly tied to our emotions, which in turn dictate our present and sometimes future actions.

Who’s at fault for us getting hurt?  Is it the person who instinctively did only what they knew?  Is it the person who held the other person on such a high pedestal that they could not do wrong until they did wrong?

Neither.  It’s just the way of life.  Sometimes people will hurt people.  As long as it’s not deliberate and intentional, chalk it up as a flaw of human nature.  We can’t always control our feelings, but we can control who we put on a pedestal and how high up that pedestal goes.  Seeing the good qualities in a person is as natural as breathing.  What is not natural is being jaded to the fact that we all are imperfectly flawed.

One of my flaws is the fact that I like to be liked.  I’m not the bend over backwards type to make you like me.  If you don’t like me for who I am, I could care less.  However, I thoroughly enjoy being liked.  Who doesn't?  The problem comes when my perfectionist character flaw intertwines with a childhood emotional flaw.  As I strive to be perfect, I unfairly place a subconscious belief that everyone else strives to be perfect, thoughtful, and as considerate as I believe myself to be.  Needless to say, I've struggled with showing the real me in the midst of who I strive to be.

Instead of being in our feelings because of an end result different than how our mind played out the scenario, we need to lower the pedestals we've setup, or completely remove them from underneath people and realize we all are perfectly made with our imperfect flaws.  

Baby Momma

Did I miss the Baby Momma Memo?
That said despite having a non-committed, deadbeat, non-existent, and proud on one day on the sixth month of the year child’s father is a badge though?
Even if he was a MD, PHD, had a Masters, Bachelors, Diploma, or an on the road to success entrepreneurial GED;
You let his hand slide over what’s already halfway off because “It Seems Like You’re Ready” with his sweet tooth, you just gave him the cookie.
He showed you caution and warning signs, but you stayed on his bus and kept driving his way.
Even “The boy A.I. had more in Carmen” than you and he in common, thinking, “Shorty swing my way, You sure look good to me, Now would you please swing my way, shorty swing my way.”
We live in a Microwave Society where a home cooked stove and oven made dinner is now frozen and microwaved.
You never set the boundaries, so he set his microwave on high thinking, “You gon’ get this work”, for the fastest time he can put in work, get you heated, and enjoy with a smile on his face while he skeet skeet “To the window, to the wall” like a game you got played.
If you took the time to do your research, you would have found out previous comments said, he was a tough pill to swallow, and the good looking commercial façade had fine legal print you ignored and nine months later you now assume all responsibility for…
I’m with you.  He is a whore.
What does that say about you?  He defined your worth with shopping bags from labeled stores.
You ever heard him talk about his Father?  You ever heard him talk to his Mother?
Has he ever spoken of a previous relationship that lasted longer than your Facebook Chat and he trusted her?
Oh, then he was a great salesman and a liar.
He got the commission, left you with a two person, only one signed contract that you can’t get out of because one of the parties can’t be found.
Let’s not give you a round of applause, not because of one slight lapse in judgment, but because you didn't learn the first go round.

It’s not all your fault, but the solution does lie with you.
A woman who prays dictates she is not the prey; let that man get his hands dirty trying to prove he is worthy for you.
You’re not his teacher, don’t promote him if he is not ready.
If he is a “child” then leave him behind, no Bush.  Take it back.  Let him fight for you like Zach and Slater over Kelly.
We know you’re his child’s Mother, but we only know how to pass judgment on your past reluctance when you wear on your chest, the fact that you gave the first gift, what should have been the third, after the ring and his name to an unworthy, unequally yoked other.

Arch1tekt™

MAYA

Jazz notes mimick a percussionist as she sings;
Teasing the air to take flight, her litetary words opened the caged, to soar beyond her dreams.
Revolutionist, modern day abolitionist.
Aiming a poetic cannon at illiterate minds to target ambiguous ignorance.
Unfathomable abilities generations adored.
Her words glide across the theatrical stage set by rhythmic body movements to  a score.
Planted her Roots in Georgia, Georgia frozen on 8 mm scenes;
Down by the Delta is where she captured history across the white screen.
Tireless and parched from life drawing from her fountain; yet she still tried.
A Prize from God. She finally had that Drink of Water before she died.

Rest In Peace Marguerite Annie Johnson

Arch1tekt™

Eve's Bayou

Eve was created in God’s perfection.
Torn by her imperfections, she struggles to follow His will in succession.
Deceived by an insatiable yearn for the truth,
Ignited a burning fire that consumed her youth.
By the sway in her waist attention strays her way.
Long legged appendages push her scent of a woman throughout the day.
Compelling to be foretelling with her mouth to cut deep, but
Instead words of affirmation she massaged in the head for another to keep.
Know more intimately, while in search for her Adam, she continues to face opposition.
Lustful eyes unclothe her winding shape to mentally reveal parts constricted.
She plays in to their fantasy, being addicted by what’s not, she is afflicted.
Temporary gratification paved a defined path due to incompatibility.
Knew less than exceptional should have been less than acceptable, but
She leaned on her own understanding, unable to see past a façade, yet still saw the mercy
Of God

Blessed with a physical youth.
Midnight hair straight with an aromatic fragrance that’s intoxicatingly sweet like vermouth.
The gift and the curse. Her bronzed satin skin shows no struggle.
Hands tell of no strife; one to assume an easy life, with no storms to muddle.
Of the experiences, they’ve shaped her mind and body.
Now her waters are slow moving, anabranched and un-choppy.
An infectious flirtatious laugh. She tries to cover up bleached-like white teeth.
Humorous chills through her body, unable to hide arousing sensitivity underneath her sheath.
Personality is warming.
Amidst a personal storm it is calming.
And a smile like a trance, spell binding in a sense, it’s enamoring.

Eve of His perfection is the day God will complete his blessing.
Two halves of one whole that their union will be impressing.
The source of life, she will be the strength for her Adam.
A ray of light in his darkness.
For Earth she was created to support.
Brace when he stumbles; lift up before he falls short.
She was a work in progress, unfinished work unforeseen.
A request prayed and answered long before a dream; she was
Created from a Potter for her King to be his equal as his Queen.

Arch1tekt™

Faith vs Intuition

As a Christian, we are called to have faith in God.  Unfortunately, as rational-minded homo sapiens we tend to “Put one and two together.”  The danger within putting one and two together is that it sometimes may not equal to three.  I know that may not make sense, but let’s see what faith and intuition is, and how they relate to each other.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”  Hebrews 11:1 (Dake, 2012)

Faith is used in the New Testament (NT) by way of the Greek word pistis.  Although pistis’ roots come from Greek mythology, it was always used in the NT regarding “faith in God or Christ, or things spiritual.” (Thomas Nelson, 1999)  Pistis was the personification of good faith, trust and reliability.  With much of Greek mythology having a Roman equivalent, Pistis was no exception with Fides. (Wikipedia Foundation, Inc., 2013)  You may have heard the phrase “bona fides”, which is Latin and means good faith; absence of fraud or deceit; the state of being exactly as claims or appearances indicate. (Dictionary.com)  If something or someone is stated to be bona fide, one could immediately associate a level of trust in that particular thing or person.

Similar to faith, which one relies on God, there is intuition, but one relies on a self-determined reasoning. 

intuition: noun
: a natural ability or power that makes it possible to know something without any proof or evidence : a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why

                : something that is known or understood without proof or evidence

(Merriam-Webster, 2014)

Constructivism is a paradigm in psychology that characterizes learning as a process of actively constructing knowledge.  Individuals create meaning for themselves or make sense of new information by selecting, organizing, and integrating information with other knowledge, often in the content of social interactions.  Constructivism can occur in two ways: individual and social.  Individual constructivism is when a person constructs knowledge through cognitive processes of their own experiences rather than by memorializing facts provided by others.  Social constructivism is when individuals construct knowledge through an interaction between the knowledge they bring to a situation and social or cultural exchanges within that content. (Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, 2014)  According to Juan Balbi in his Post-rationalist developments Article, constructivists therapists believe the mind is conceived as a passive system that gathers its contents from its environment and, through the act of knowing, produces a copy of the order of reality. (Balbi, 208) 

Essentially, the mind does not come to a conclusion without a basis of reasoning.  In order for the mind to conclude, it has to be able to tap into information individual or socially experienced.  Once the information is able to be tapped, it has to be able to be organized and integrated with other knowledge to make sense of new information.  As previously stated, intuition relies on a self-determined reasoning, which is based on feeling.  Feeling, in psychology, is the perception of events within the body, closely related to emotion. (Britannica)  To rely on intuition is to rely on the feeling, which is affected by the actively constructed knowledge the mind has integrated. 

The same logic can be applied to the phrase, “A women’s intuition.”  I dislike the phrase because it denotes the fact that everyone capable of cognitive thinking has intuition.  It also denotes that the mind is tapping into knowledge experienced combined other knowledge, and make it seem like one has an uncanny power. 

Sorry as I digressed, but intuition being similar to faith, relies on the known as well as the unknown.  God requires us to have faith in that He is exactly who He says He is, and will do exactly what He says He will do.  The part that many of us have a hard time with is not knowing how and when God will do what He has already promised.  When we stop trying to rationalize who, what, where, when, and how about God, we will experience everything manifested as they should, at the perfect time. 

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”  Probers 3:5 (Dake, 2012)  Who or what will you believe in?  Will you have faith in God, or rely on your own intuition?  How can we believe in God, but not trust in Him?  It’s like telling God, “I believe you can do anything, but I don’t trust you will do it.”  The widow, who chose to abandon the preparation of the last meal for herself and her son, to feed Elijah thought twice about giving this man she had never met the last of her resources.  I Kings 17:8-24  (Dake, 2012)  It wasn’t until after Elijah stated, “For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sendeth rain upon the earth,” and later cried unto God, “I pray thee, let this child’s soul come into him again,” did the widow say, “Now by this I know that thou art a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in thy mouth is truth.”  The widow did not know how, where, or when God would do as Elijah said, but she had faith.  She did not rely on intuition, which told her to prepare for the last meal she and her son would eat.  She did what she was told in spite of wanting to do otherwise.  Instead of eating one last meal, the widow and her son, along with Elijah, was able to eat for many more days until it rained.  The significance of the rain is due to a 3 ½ year drought.  As you can imagine, without rain, there is no vegetation, animals cannot eat, and it continues all the way to the top of the food chain. 

Try to imagine what God will provide when we rely on faith and not intuition?  We are only required to have faith the size of a mustard seed to do the impossible. Matthew 17:20; Luke 17:6

Works Cited

Balbi, J. (208). Dialogues in Philosophy, Mental and Neuro Sciences. Retrieved March 4, 2014, from crossingdialogues.com: http://www.crossingdialogues.com/Ms-A08-01-6.pdf

Britannica, E. (n.d.). feeling. Retrieved March 4, 2014, from britannica.com: http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/203754/feeling

Dake, F. J. (2012). The Dake Annotated Referenced Bible: King James Version. Lawrenceville: Dake Publishing.

Dictionary.com. (n.d.). fides. Retrieved March 4, 2014, from Dictionary.com: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Fides

Merriam-Webster. (2014). intuition. Retrieved March 4, 2014, from m-w.com: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intuition

Thomas Nelson. (1999). Strong's Concise Concordance & Vine's Concise Dictionary of the Bible. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Wikipedia Foundation, Inc. (2013, April 7). Pistis. Retrieved March 4, 2014, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pistis

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. (2014, March 1). Construct. Retrieved March 4, 2014, from Developmental Psychology: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_psychology