5 Steps to Find a Man...

Recently conversing with a coworker, I was asked, "Where can I go to find a decent man?"  Unaware if this was a joke, rhetorical, or honest question, I replied, "You first have to open your eyes."  Needless to say, my coworker was not impressed by my sarcastic answer.  I apologized, but then went on to inquire why she felt the need to find a decent man?  "I don't run into any decent men." Blah blah blah.  "There really aren't any good men."  Blah blah blah.  "Most of the good men are taken."  Blah blah blah.  In less than one minute, I heard the same excuses from many women in referring to the dating pool.  The unanswered question still remains, "Why do YOU feel the need to FIND a "decent" man?

(Take note to understand the emphasis placed on the words YOU, FIND, and "decent.")

Being careful not to put her back on the defense, I offered a couple more questions.  Let's say there is a mythical place where all the single and eligible (according to your own standards) bachelors go to hang out.  Once you arrive at said location, "What attributes do you have that will spark interest in these bachelors?  After all, they need a reason to want to pursue you!  Before she could answer, I asked some more questions.  "What are your relationship goals?"  "What are your professional goals?"  "Do you know what are your strengths and weaknesses?"  Judging by her change in posture and forehead wrinkles created by her menacing eyebrows and squinting eyes; I ended my barrage of questions aimed at her unintentionally incorrect target.

"You make it sound like I have nothing to bring to the table."  "Everyone has something to bring to the table." I replied.  "Are you bringing leftovers to the table, or are you presenting a top chef platted meal?"  We know the key to a man's heart is his stomach.  I jest, but there is truth in every analogy-ridden joke.

The conversation didn't go to much further.  My coworker was taken back by the idea that she was not "good enough" in all her present glory.  Due to the fact that my coworker much rather work harder than smarter in her personal life, she missed out on the five ways she can "find" a "decent" man.

1.  Stop trying to "find" a "decent" man.  You may ask, well how then will I find one.  You don't!  You should allow yourself to be found!  In a broad sense, there is an inherent nature for men to find, discover, and want.  Your longing to fulfill the need for love, have what other's have, or simply have what you don't currently have has created a desire to unconventionally go get what should get you!  Instead of doing what you should be doing, which is weeding out those not compatible with you, you are searching for a "decent" man.  Do you know what a "decent" man is?  It's not the man you read about in fiction literature.  A "decent" man is not one you watch in a romantic movie.  A "decent" man is the average man walking around.  What you think to be decent is in fact a myth.  Why else would there be so many changes that occurs after the Honeymoon phase of a relationship is over?  The person who put the best foot forward to wine, dine, and win your affection the way you want, has now gone back to their true self.  You are the catch!  Allow yourself to be caught by the right man!  I'm not saying to walk around with your nose up and expecting to have your dates rent a restaurant and cook dinner for just the two of you.  Know your worth and know a decent man will treat you accordingly!  If you start a relationship by taking on the roll of the man, don't be upset when he never initiates the advancement of the relationship.  After all, you sought him out!  You chose him!  You went to "find" a "decent" man!

2.  Improve yourself for yourself.  May it be mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally; we all have something we can improve.  I'm not saying to obsessively try to be the perfect physical specimen shy of being created in a laboratory, or injected on a doctor's operating table.  I am talking about realistically improving areas you always wanted to improve.  You always wanted to learn a new language.  Learn a new language!  You always wanted to drop 15 pounds.  Change your eating habits and work out!  You always wanted to strengthen your relationship with God.  Start by praying!  You always wanted to leave your past relationships in the past, and bring zero luggage with you into a new relationship.  Understand what went wrong in your previous relationships!  Figure out how you contributed to the relationship failing!  Figure out how to grow from your experiences!  There is something to be said about confidence.  When you look good; you feel good!  When you set and achieved goals; you feel good!  When you receive substantiated compliments; you feel good!  When you feel good; your confidence is high.  When your confidence is high; you command attention!

3.  Know who you are and be able to intrigue someone with your passion.  We all met that type of person who is so passionate in what they like or do that it intrigues us to want to know more.  Passion sells!  You don't believe me?  Turn on an infomercial!  Pay close attention to what is commanding your attention.  No doubt, those people are paid professionals, but the energy and animation they exhibit is what creates the need and want to know more about the displayed product.  I know I said passion sells, and the professionals are giving your energy, but the two goes hand in hand.  When you are passionate about something, your demeanor, voice, stance, and personality wakens up.  A burst of energy occurs when we talk about a passionate topic!  When you draw someone in, you take hostage of their attention.  

4.  Set realistic relationship goals and commit to what it will take to accomplish them.  Needless to say, before you can set realistic relationship goals, you need to understand dating, courting, and marriage.  Your understanding for each of the relationship phases will determine how smoothly you transition from one to the other and whether you transition at all.  Just like any other goal, setting and committing in order to accomplish it needs great focus.  If your relationship goal is to be married; then you must date in order to find similar compatible interests, allow yourself to be courted in order to know whether the person you dated deserves your hand, and ensure you are not compromising your goal.

5.  Learn from your mistakes and incompatible men.  Learn from your previous relationships to avoid dating the same men who are not compatible.  When you fail to realize who you are not compatible with, you will consistently date the same type, which will consistently end the same way.  Learn from the previous mistakes made in your previous relationships to avoid making them again.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Growth!  Life is about growth!  If you fail to grow, you will always fail to improve on yourself, be found, intrigue someone to want to get to know you, continue to hold their attention, and learn from your mistakes and incompatible men you've dated!

The Arch1tekt™